Growing up in Minnesota, I struggled with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (aka winter blues). This drove me to find better ways to cope with lack of energy, and feeling empty during the darker days of fall and winter.  Two things helped me tremendously in weathering these emotional storms: Running track and cross-country in high school and college— and leaning into my growing faith in Christ. 

After college, I moved to Honolulu, Hawai'i hoping that by exchanging dark Minnesota winters for tropical sunshine I was also exchanging my depression with happiness.  However, even with palm trees, tropical beaches, and sunnier days that same, familiar, empty pit in my stomach began creeping and it dawned on me: "I am in Hawai'i and I am tan yet I'm still depressed."

It may sound silly but since I had banked all my hopes of happiness and a bright future on relocating, I convinced myself it was not possible for me to be both tan and depressed at the same time.  The reality gap between my conception that my struggles would cease once I relocated and the reality that here I was, tan, at the beach in Hawai'i and feeling depressed, was devastating for me at the time. It felt like I was back to square 1 and all my efforts had been in vain and my future looked bleak.

However, God is good all the time…though I could not see how at the time.  He was refining me further and using my weakness for good; I had no strength of my own and so I leaned into Him and step-by-step He guided me. I gradually learned that when I don’t feel it I can still take action toward what matters; that the deepest part of me always has the choice to ‘say Yes’ in the midst of pain.  

I started experiencing a great and graceful paradox:  The more I tried to get rid of and avoid my depression the stronger it clung to me and the narrower and more black-and-white my life became. However, to the degree I was willing to turn towards it with curiosity, like a child’s first encounter with a puppy, the more fulfilling, and colorful my day was in the midst of my struggles. It was like recovering from a cold and having little energy but choosing to still spend time with a good friend and then finding yourself so engaged in conversation that you were hardly bothered by your running nose.

This was a profound shift and an epiphany to me—no matter what circumstances you are dealing with—the deeper most meaningful experiences are readily available: they are “in the midst” not once your life is “perfect”.  It’s no contradiction to feel depressed yet have great joy; to feel anxious and yet reside in peace; to feel uncomfortable yet step out confidently.

The truth is it’s not realistic to expect that our psychological pain and struggles will be erased—there is no delete button for memories in our brain.  It’s scientific fact that the more we avoid the more we end up experiencing inevitable pain + much greater suffering through the consequences created by avoidance + the pain of absence (missing out on our life - our present experience).

Flipping it around—while counter-intuitive and counter-cultural—willingness to embrace our pain—our full experience—leads to full living: having joy and peace in the midst…of any of our circumstances.

I’d love to guide you in getting out of your head and into living fully for what matters most to you.

My friends, Joy is in the midst,

Charles