How to Not “Love” What You “Love”: Calling Out The Shame Cycle

Shame makes us lose perspective. Stuck in one area? Shift your focus to other areas of your life:

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

~Philippians 4:8 NLT

Recently, I was won over on my fave podcast, “The Brant & Sherri Oddcast”  by a segment where the host, Brant Hansen, shares an e-mail sent to him by a young teenager RE: a recurring sin struggle and shame cycle.  

With candor, compassion, and humility, Brant encouraged this young man. I too was strongly encouraged and identified with this young man struggling with a perpetual sin then battling shame on top of that.  

And being real here, on some level, we all can resonate with feeling futile and then getting caught in a downward spiral: struggling with a perpetual sin then battling shame on top of that.  Paul voiced this stuck futility well:  “I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway…Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? ~Romans 7:9, 24”

Above all, though, please focus on Paul’s hope and gratitude immediately after his frustrated cry: “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” ~Romans 7:25

Brant’s advice echoes Paul in being wise, uplifting, and applicable to us all.  And so I am sharing the audio clip with you. I hope it encourages you and increases your hope:

CLICK HERE: for the audio clip: The segment is from 0:00 - 5:15

KEY SCRIPTURES:

18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[d] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway…24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…

~Romans 7: 18-19; 24-25, New Living Translation (NLT)

8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

~Philippians 4:8 (NLT)

*Additionally, below I’ve: 

1.HIGHLIGHTED key points.  

2. Added MY REFLECTIONS.   

 SUMMARY

Brant receives a letter from a young Christian man who finds himself disgusted with himself over falling back into habits and behaviors he knows are wrong.  He’s tired of this shame cycle and references Romans 7: “I do what I don’t want to do, but what I don’t want to do, this I keep doing.” 

• BRANT:  “we all can relate to Romans 7 on some level.”  Amen.

• BRANT: “I totally understand all of this…ALL OF THIS…”  Starting out with compassion and encouragement, Brant normalizes the young man’s struggle.   

• BRANT: “Do not let this become a shame issue that keeps you from growing.  If you aim at growing habits in other areas eventually you will be mature in ways that allow you to tackle this issue in a better way.”  I love this.  Brant names shame to dilute its distorting power. He then orients the young man to wise perspective and cheers him to “continue growing in other areas”…These are essentials to unhooking from the shame monster.

• BRANT: “The shame reaction is really the area we want to be aware of because it can get us and chase us away from God: the only One [source of power and love] who is FOR us … and does not stop being for us… 

• BRANT: “Rather than collapsing into shame, keep plowing ahead, keep pivoting to Phil. 4:8.  Guilt is good as long as it brings us back to the cross and your thankfulness for what God has done.  The cross has covered all your sin and shame.” Without minimizing sin Brant again spotlights the shame cycle and how it can become more toxic than the sin itself by deluding us to believe we are futile to overcome our sin and shame–we are hopeless…even for God.  Here, we often take our eyes off God – the only One who can [and wants to] rescue us.  With our eyes off God and onto self, our shame cycle gains traction [we feel more shame -> sin more -> feel more shame] and core negative delusions [‘I can’t change’ ‘ ‘I’m rotten to the core’] are strengthened.  This downward cycle is tragic and devastating.

• BRANT: “So you get back up and plow ahead…I hope this is helpful and encouraging; it should be.  Whatever the issue you are not alone and you are also not disgusting [shame].  I love Brant just pivoting to what is true and using his platform to speak words of value and life to the young man and all his listeners.

• BRANT: “Bright days are not only ahead but they are upon you.  Keep trying to capture your thoughts, yes, but when you fail, keep going back to walking with God and laughing about stuff and learning and delighting in things and in the people around you.” I love that Brant realistically assumes we will fail.  As humans, it’s not if but when we will fail.  When we inevitably fail, how we see and respond to the failure has a huge impact on our life satisfaction.  Do we believe that this failure is “all my fault; I am destined to always fail in all I do: OR do we believe “to err is human; nobody starts out amazing at something; just watch a toddler learning to walk–they fall down over and over again.  In fact, this is an opportunity to learn and improve.  There’s no learning or growth without some missteps.”

Now I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Some food for thought:

Can you relate to struggling with a perpetual sin or bad habit?  What triggers you to feel shame and futility? Does what Brant told the young man resonate with you?  What has helped you shift to helpful actions and beliefs when you were last discouraged?   

Focus on what matters,

Charles